I couldn’t help but eavesdrop. The conversation between two people in a crowded café fascinated me.

As they started sipping their lattes, one lady boldly declared, “I hate my stress. I can’t believe I’m still so stressed at my age. It’s awful.”

It was a classic case of stress shaming. It’s when you feel bad about yourself because you can’t get your stress under control and believe that makes you a failure.

I guessed she’s in her late 40s, early 50s. Given the Prada purse propped on the seat next to her, she seemed to be a career woman with at least the appearance of professional success.

As the chat continued, Ms. Prada articulated her attitude towards stress with powerful imagery, “It’s like stress is the villain in my life and I’m its victim. Every morning, I wake up hoping to have a good day, then stress breaks into my soul and steals my enthusiasm and energy. I’m always defeated.”

Her friend reinforced her stance, “You’re right, stress is so bad.”

Meanwhile I’m thinking, wait a second – stress isn’t the enemy.

Yes, stress can suck, but hating stress only makes it worse. The truth is stress is not the devious villain society would have you believe. It can be a valuable asset as you achieve success, solve problems, and find fulfillment.

You don’t have to love stress, but a negative attitude about stress could make the consequences of stress worse.

Your Health Depends on Your Stress Story

Research shows embracing the common belief ‘stress is bad’ will increase your risk of stress-related premature death by 43%. Yikes. [LINK to research] Imagine what it’s also doing to your relationships and performance.

Labelling stress as the enemy, means you’re constantly fighting against your villainous stress sensations. This constant battle is bound to cause extra angst and frustration. Ultimately, your effort to find more peace and joy in your life will be doomed.

Some (not all) medical doctors and self-development colleagues disagree with my outlook. They reinforce the message, ‘Allison, don’t you understand? Stress is bad.’ They’ll cite research clearly showing how stress negatively affects mental, emotional, and physical well-being.

I understand. I just don’t believe villainizing stress serves anyone’s best interests. Plus, it paints an incomplete picture of the truth.

I believed the same stress-is-bad narrative when I first burned out. Back then, there wasn’t an onslaught of mainstream mental health advice that preached the power of perspective. I wasted a lot of years unaware how my negative framing of stress was accidentally causing me harm.

Now, you can learn faster and save those wasted years.

Stress Earning Its Bad Reputation

Depending on your depth of knowledge around stress or if you’ve heard me or other experts speak on the topic, you may already realize stress serves a purpose. The stress response has kept humans alive despite lurking dangers. Without stress to signal people to get to safety, tigers would have devoured our ancestors centuries ago.

How can that be bad?

Intellectually you may realize stress is not all bad, but the harsh judgment of stress emerges when conversations flow or the pressures are high.

Consider the last week.

How many minutes were wasted by you or someone you know complaining about stress or wishing it away? Lots. How many times did stress have a positive tone during your conversations? I’ll bet the answer is, ‘none.’

No wonder stress has earned a bad reputation.

The Source of Ms. Prada’s Stress Shaming

Back to the café…

I know eavesdropping is rude, so at a point in the duo’s chit-chat, I acknowledged my unintentional involvement. After a few laughs, they invited me to join their table, and I was keen.

That impromptu café conversation uncovered a whirlwind of struggle. Turns out, I was right. Despite hating her stress and being exhausted, she’d earned a substantial job title with a company anyone in modern society would recognize.

Early in her career, one of her mentors taught her stress is bad. He’d say, “Stress is for amateurs. People who can’t handle the pressure are unprofessional and undeserving of a leadership role.”

His message stuck.

She’s been trying to win her war on stress ever since and had been embarrassed by her failure.

She sprinkled in comments like, “I just need to get it together and stop taking things so personally.” She repeated her current CEO’s stress management advice, “You just need to stop caring so much.” Sadly, I hear this sort of ineffective advice a lot. More on why it backfires in a future post in the Ultimate Stress Solution series.

Her story underscores yet another reason society’s stress-is-the-villain narrative is damaging.

When stress is the villain that keeps returning to steal more energy from you – there’s a sense of failure and victimization that nags in the back of your mind (even if you don’t admit it.) The notion that stress keeps winning means you keep losing. That’s how it felt for my newfound café companion, and I hear similar sentiments from my clients when they start working with me.

After decades of stress-shaming herself, it only took minutes to open her eyes to an alternative perspective. Lowering the mask on her villain named Stress revealed it may not be as nasty as she previously thought.

The Results of Losing the Stress-Is-Bad Narrative

Weeks later, we reconnected.

She was well on her way to rewriting her stress story.

When she started repeating her woeful tale featuring a villain named Stress who keeps stealing from her soul, she interrupted herself and stopped reinforcing the dramatic positioning of stress. When she judged herself for failing to win her imagined war on stress, she reminded herself she wasn’t in a fight. There was no tiger chasing her through the office hallways.

Instead of labelling her stress as bad, she simply became aware of the sensations. She stopped stress shaming herself and that helped lessen the internal battle. The result was a massive sigh of relief.

Putting this Into Action

I challenge you to do the same.

If you’re not happy with your stress levels – it’s time to rewrite your stress story. Learn about your stress story in the intro to the Ultimate Stress Solution.

Take three minutes to explore your perception of stress. What are your beliefs around stress? Are you in a battle you can’t win? Are you stress shaming yourself believing you’re flawed because you can’t take control of your stress? It’s okay, you’re not a failure.

This may leave you wondering if stress is not ‘bad’ does that mean stress is ‘good?’ Well, not quite…

Stay tuned for the next post in the Ultimate Stress Solution series.

I’ll challenge the popular concept of thinking of stress as either ‘good’ or ‘bad’ also known as ‘eustress’ and ‘distress’ and explain a critical reframe to help you take control of your stress and design a life you love.